Waking up from a lush sleep, you feel relaxed and comfortable…finally.
Then your phone bleeps, it’s a friend asking you to a meal for her birthday. This friend has been there for you but the heavy draining feeling comes across you. You feel hot and panicked.
‘Great, see you there!’ is the reply but you feel trapped, all because an eating disorder monster doesn’t let you enjoy yourself.
Ok, breathe, do all the techniques, put it to the back of your mind.
The washing machine tummy is becoming more frequent as you think about the meal, friends have messaged about outfits, there has been a new group chat created. You feel like no one in your group understands you are the statistic in the group with an ED.
You look at what you can eat, you know it’s ok to have a starter as the main meal as eating out is a massive accomplishment.
That night you don’t sleep, the ED monster has taken hold – ‘you are going to be trapped’, ‘people will laugh at you’, ‘you cannot leave’ or whatever the monster says.
You get ready, the only thing making you feel OK is knowing your friend will love to see you there. You cry a few times, trying again techniques learnt, procrastinating things.
You take a final deep breath and leave but when you walk into the restaurant and are greeted by friends, the monster falls back. You order what you planned, you laugh and forget the worries you had. There is no judgement. You leave feeling on top of the world. You did it. A sense of accomplishment mixed in with relief.
As you get into bed you write in your journal. You look back at previous meals where you made it to the front door, sat but didn’t eat, drank but didn’t eat. You realise that each time with a small step forward it is getting easier.
If you have ever felt like this, we understand. We organise a group around mental health and eating disorders every other week at Moulton Village Hall from 11am.
We are part of Moulton PPG and are lived experience volunteers so we do not offer medical advice. We also offer group support online. Email [email protected] or find us on Facebook ED and MH group Moulton.
We wanted to set something up in South Holland.
Holly Rodgers
via email
