I often get asked what the worst film I’ve reviewed for The Spalding Voice is.
It’s fair to say the original Fifty Shades of Grey film stands out as easily the poorest cinematic experience I’ve endured over the past three years.
I get that the books by E.L James have a massive following and I also understand why some people enjoyed it.
But, for me, it was a dreadful film that had no real story, showcased actors lacking chemistry and didn’t really shock anybody with its sexual explicitness.
I had no interest in the sequel, but reviewing films is mostly about picking the best offering of the week – and not even I could deny that Fifty Shades Darker has everybody talking.
With that in mind, I was prepared to give the series another go – in the hope of either being shocked or finding some kind of story aside from the boring (and unbelievable) romance between Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson).
But sadly the only real change this time around is that they’ve upped the amount of sex scenes to a ridiculously high level.
We’re pretty much talking every other scene, making the sequel feel like some kind of big budget blue movie that, once again, even disappoints on how memorable those intimate moments are.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting some kind of pornography. Just something that would make Fifty Shades stand out from the crowd in a Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct kind of way.
Anyway, the story this time around is all about Christian wanting to win Anastasia back and change his bizarre ways into something more mainstream. She has left him behind after her nasty experience in the “red room” and is now working for the seemingly nice Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson) as an assistant at a publishing company.
However, Christian – as he romantically puts it – wants to “re-open negotiations” with her regarding their relationship.
Despite her initial reluctance, you can imagine that they soon end up romping like rabbits.
Christian is adamant that he wants a normal relationship this time around – if you define normal as giving somebody a new Audi, iPhone, MacBook and $24k (he earns that every 15 minutes despite never being at work) on your first date.
That’s a line he continues to tow throughout the painfully long two-hour running time, despite trying to buy the company she works for and making people that interfere “disappear” without explanation.
It’s funny, as nearly everything he does seems to annoy Anastasia, making their apparent insatiable appetite for each other feel very forced at times.
We do, at least, get a few interesting threads ahead of the next film. Christian’s, ahem, former sexual mentor Elena Lincoln (Kim Basinger) and friend of his adopted mum Grace (Marcia Gay Harden), could prove to be a wildcard, while the arc involving Jack Hyde has scope to develop into something half decent.
Sadly, Fifty Shades Darker has very little else going for it. It’s a mish-mash of clichéd narrative that will make you cringe and sex scenes that are so frequent you eventually get bored of them.
Fair play to Dakota Johnson, who spends half of the film naked – a task that must be pretty daunting.
Sadly, her chemistry with Dornan remains questionable and you’ll just not be that bothered about the levels their relationship reach.
I have no doubt that fans of the book and/or the original will enjoy this, however. It’s more of the same – and I’m sure it’ll make plenty of money (just like Christian).
But, for me, it’s cringeworthy nonsense.
Voice Verdict: 4/10 (reviewed at Boston’s West End Cinema)
+ A few (potentially) interesting threads for next film
– Cringeworthy
– Dreadful story
– Too much sex (!)
SHOWTIMES
Boston’s West End Cinema (Fri, Feb 17 to Thurs, Feb 23)
**JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2 (15)
Noon (Wed), 12.40pm (Fri/Sun), 3.20pm (daily), 6pm (daily), 8.40pm (daily)
**THE GREAT WALL (12A)
2D – 12.10pm (Fri/Sat), 1pm (Wed), 8.45pm (daily)
3D – 6.20pm (daily)
**PATRIOTS DAY (15)
3pm (Thurs)
**HIDDEN FIGURES (PG)
Noon (Wed), 2.30pm (Fri/Sat/Sun/Wed), 5.30pm (daily), 8.30pm (daily)
FIFTY SHADES DARKER (18)
Noon (Fri/Sat/Sun/Weds), 2.30pm (Wed), 2.40pm (Fri/Sat/Sun), 5.30pm (not Tues), 7.40pm (Fri/Sat), 8.20pm (daily)
LEGO BATMAN MOVIE (U)
2D – 2.45pm (Fri/Sat/Sun), 6pm (daily)
3D – 10am (Fri/Sat/Sun), 12.20pm (Fri/Sat/Sun), 3.45pm (Mon-Thurs)
SING (U)
2D – 10am (Fri/Sat/Sun), 2.30pm (Fri/Sat/Sun), 4pm (Mon-Thurs)
3D – Non (Fri/Sat/Sun)
NEWSIES (12A)
2.30pm (Sun)
I, CLAUDE MONET (U)
6.30pm (Tues)
KONWOJ (15)
8.45pm (Sun/Thurs)
KIDS’ CLUB
Fri/Sat/Sun 10.15am – Storks 2D (U)
AND
Fri/Sat/Sun 10am – Trolls 2D (U)
SILVER SCREEN
Wed 11.30am – Hacksaw Ridge (15)
SUBTITLED SHOWING
Tues 8.10pm – Fifty Shades Of Grey (18)
**FREE LIST SUSPENDED
